May 9

Written by: Steve Erbach
Friday, May 09, 2008 5:37 AM

How concerned are you about food safety?

(published 12-May-2008, Appleton Post-Crescent -- published portions in bold-italics)

 

How concerned could I be when I've got all these wonderful, kind-hearted politicians and safety mavens who'll see to it that I never have even the remotest chance of putting anything unhealthful into my mouth?  Restaurant maitre-d's will have those little fat pincher doohickies that measure my body mass index, so after leaving a red welt on my love handles, they'll have Victor and Bruno show me the error of my ways while throwing me out on my ear.  I'll be prevented from eating anything that could possibly do me any harm if consumed in mass, lab-rat-gagging quantities for 387 guinea-pig-years.  After my forcible conversion to vegan-ism because of my criminally anarchistic carnivorous upbringing, I'll be so safe from myself that all I'll have to do is have my local food-rationing volunteer strap me into my safety chair at the community nourishment distribution center and spoon feed me my daily, vitamin-enriched portion of high-fiber, low-fat, high-colonic, low-calorie, high-wood-shaving, low-cholesterol, high-annoyance, low-taste Meals Rejected by Ethiopians!  God forbid I should ever be a drain on public health resources!  Food safety!  Bah!  I'm more concerned about being safe from the busy-bodies who know what's best for me!  But, of course, my objection to their tender ministrations just goes to show how pitifully deranged I am.  I NEED to be locked up before I do harm to myself by eating yet another Hostess Ding Dong!  Get away from me!  I've got a potato masher and I know how to use it!!

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